Staff Reports
President Joe Biden has tested positive for COVID-19 in a not-so-surprising turn of events. It seems like the virus has been making its way through the entire White House faster than a rumor at a high school sleepover. But hey, what else did we expect from the guy who can’t climb stairs without tripping over his feet?
According to the White House, Biden is experiencing “mild symptoms,” including “general malaise.” Well, let’s be honest. He’s been showing signs of general malaise since day one of his presidency. But I digress.
After his positive test result, Biden hobbled onto Air Force One in Las Vegas like he just finished a marathon. No wonder he can’t make it up a flight of stairs without looking like he needs a walker. Maybe someone should remind him that exercise is good for the immune system. But hey, who needs physical fitness when you have a bunch of sycophantic journalists who will carry you up those stairs on their backs?
Biden Covid shot history. They work great!
First Dose: December 21, 2020 (Pfizer)
Second Dose: January 11, 2021 (Pfizer)
First Booster: September 27, 2021 (Pfizer)
Second Booster: March 30, 2022 (Pfizer)
Updated Booster: October 25, 2022 (Pfizer Bivalent)
2023 Booster: September…— Justin Hart (@justin_hart) July 17, 2024
Instead of fulfilling his scheduled speaking engagement, Biden will be heading back to Delaware to “self-isolate.” I guess it’s good that he won’t be around any sharp objects, considering his propensity for making gaffes that would make a fourth-grader blush.
But fear not, dear readers, because the White House assures us that Biden will continue carrying out all his duties while in isolation. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time believing that a man who can’t remember what state he’s in can run the most powerful country in the world.
According to Biden’s physician, he’s been given the first dose of Paxlovid, an antiviral medication. I’m sure this is just another attempt to make it seem like the president is receiving top-notch medical care while the rest of us peasants are left to fend for ourselves. But hey, at least he’s getting the best drugs money can buy.
So, there you have it, folks. Biden has COVID-19 and will be holed up in his basement in Delaware for the foreseeable future. Let’s hope he doesn’t accidentally nuke Canada while trying to find the TV remote. God help us all.
