Staff Reports
Elon Musk recently unveiled a startling discovery that could make even the oldest Hollywood star cringe: supposedly 150-year-old individuals on the Social Security rolls. Musk, that mildly eccentric genius who somehow juggles electric cars, space travel, and government reform, has taken it upon himself to investigate the tangled web of federal bureaucracy. In a press conference alongside the ever-controversial Donald Trump, Musk shared that his findings would make even the most seasoned auditors raise an eyebrow.
According to Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency—because clearly the government has done such a bang-up job maintaining public trust—this cursory examination has yielded some jaw-dropping results. Musk mused about these ancient beings, questioning whether they might be in need of dating advice or merely a good history lesson. No one in today’s world can name a single person who has lived to the ripe old age of 150, yet somehow Social Security continues to cut checks. It’s either a classic case of bureaucratic oversights or a fantastic time-traveling scheme, but let’s keep it simple and chalk it up to fraud.
Elon Finds Oldest Human Since the Iron Age, Quietly Collecting Social Security from American Taxpayers via @WestJournalism https://t.co/3b5WqgE5RQ
— BETSY MAGA (@EynoufBetsy) February 18, 2025
For a bit of historical context, the oldest verified person ever lived, Frenchwoman Jeanne Calment, was 122 when she passed away, while American Sarah Knauss barely made it to 119. Even if one wants to reach back to biblical times for some absurdly long-living individuals, they still don’t come close to the allegedly living claims sitting on taxpayer rolls today. Methuselah, for example, allegedly hit the big 969—considering he’d be a considerable drain on Social Security if he were somehow still around. The practical implication is this: taxpayers shouldn’t be footing the bill for a ghost town!
The sad reality is that between 2018 and 2022, fraud within the federal government reportedly cost American taxpayers an eye-watering $233 billion to $521 billion each year. Elon Musk, fighting against the tide of wastefulness and inefficiency, proclaimed that this need for fiscal prudence is merely common sense. While he might be combating hordes of bureaucrats and their poor spending habits with nothing but logic, it’s clear mainstream media would rather focus on sensational stories about rocket ships and not address hard-hitting truths about government waste.
Musk’s mantra is simple: government must ensure taxpayer dollars are utilized wisely and effectively. If their expenditures don’t benefit the people, then they need to be re-evaluated. Imagine the outcry if taxpayers realized their hard-earned dollars were funding long-dead individuals or those gaming the system—whether through outright fraud or the bureaucratic incompetence that seemingly has no limits.
While Musk aims to scrutinize every expenditure, the media’s focus remains on the glamorous narratives of tech giants and pop culture instead. Nevertheless, common citizens appear to be on the same page: sending checks to individuals who have certainly swapped their social security cards for tombstones is neither constitutional nor wise. It’s time to clean house and ensure that American resilience and taxpayer dollars aren’t thrown into the abyss of bureaucratic absurdity.
