Staff Reports
The FBI has announced that former President Donald Trump will dutifully sit for an interview, a chilling follow-up to the assassination attempt against him during a rally in Pennsylvania. Apparently, after surviving an attack, Trump gets to experience the delightful world of a “standard victim interview”—the kind of bureaucratic encounter that sounds like a field trip gone bad.
Kevin Rojek, the big cheese over at the FBI’s Pittsburgh Field Office, explained that this is routine procedure, echoing the idea that, in the pursuit of justice, no former president gets left behind. One can only imagine what snacks are served during these interviews—perhaps some humble pie for those who orchestrate attacks on conservative figures or maybe a flag cake for the patriotic. Rojek assures everyone that this will be just like any other victim interview. It’s comforting to know that Trump is still on their guest list following his brush with calamity; after all, it would be downright strange if he *wasn’t* the first person the FBI wanted to chat with.
Town Hall: FBI Confirms Trump to Sit for Victim Interview https://t.co/Vc8593bmp9
— Ian Hansen 🇺🇸🇺🇸 (@IanHansenFeed) July 30, 2024
Among the details released, the FBI shed light on the 20-year-old shooter, Matthew Thomas Crooks, who apparently believed that launching an attack at a Trump rally was a fantastic idea. His skills included creating explosive devices using chemicals purchased under false identities. Talk about taking social distancing to heart by keeping his dangerous hobbies under wraps—though it’s hard to fathom how he thought this would end well for him. Last time anyone checked, assassinations aren’t known to be good for one’s career in the Commonweal.
Adding to Crooks’ dubious résumé, he had also spent his time researching other failed assassination attempts because nothing says “I’m just looking for knowledge” like Googling how to enact terrorism. What a recommendation letter that would make! “Well, officer, I was just doing my homework on Slovak Prime Ministers and past mass shootings.” Clearly, someone needs to tighten up their K-12 curriculum.
While all this FBI activity unfolds, it appears they are more concerned with piecing together Crooks’ actions rather than scrutinizing local law enforcement or the Secret Service during the debacle. One can only wonder if they’ve looked through their own practices as stringently as they plan to investigate an unstable young man’s life choices. After all, accountability tends to be a bit muddled when the words “FBI” and “victim interview” are involved. With so many layers to peel back in this situation, perhaps someone should remind the agency that they should also be examining their methods, lest they become more infamous than the very criminals they aim to apprehend.
