Biden Sticks as Dems Primary Pick Despite Debate Debacle and Family Drama

Ah, Democrats, always an adventure in political theater, and this latest episode featuring President Joe Biden is no exception. Amid the calamity of his disastrous first 2024 presidential debate against former President Donald Trump, you’d think the Democrats might consider a change in casting. But no, they’re stuck with their faltering star. Biden has already secured 99% of the party delegates, thanks to a rigged primary season complete with canceled state elections and media censorship of any potential challengers. It’s almost as if the Democrats designed it that way on purpose. Shocker.

If anyone is hoping the DNC might pull a last-minute switcheroo, guess again. The Democrats might have legal leeway to impose a change after the nomination, but Biden’s hefty $180 million war chest can only legally be transferred to one person: Vice President Kamala Harris. That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence when she polls about as well as a root canal.
Naturally, the Biden clan is in full panic mode. The family name was the golden ticket for Biden’s siblings, children, and grandchildren. 

The skepticism surrounding Biden’s candidacy is not confined to the general public; influential figures within the Democratic Party are also voicing their reservations. High-profile commentators, lawmakers, donors, and strategists openly doubt Biden’s viability as a candidate in the upcoming 2024 election, fearing the repercussions of a potential loss to former President Trump. This growing chorus of disapproval underscores the deep-seated concerns about Biden’s leadership capabilities among both Democrats and the American populace.

None of them want to see the gravy train derailed. Hunter Biden, in particular, is pushing hard for his dad to stay in the game. Why? Because according to anonymous sources cited by the New York Times, Hunter wants America to see the “scrappy Joe Biden” he believes in rather than the bumbling, forgetful figure who showed up on debate night.

But let’s get real. Hunter Biden has more than familial loyalty here; he has a pile of perverse incentives. Already convicted of three federal gun crimes and facing another trial for tax evasion, Hunter’s banking on a presidential pardon and the continued clout of his father’s presidency to avoid further scrutiny into his shady dealings. Whether it’s violating sex trafficking laws or foreign agent registration crimes during his international profit-seeking adventures, Hunter’s primary goal is to keep the Biden name untarnished long enough to escape his legal woes.

And speaking of legal woes, let’s not forget who’s advising the leader of the free world: a literal crack addict. Hunter’s illustrious record includes getting busted for gun felonies after his sister-in-law, who he was cheating with, threw out his illegally acquired firearm in a public dumpster. Classy.

Financially, Hunter’s a walking disaster. Despite his lawyer Kevin Morris, covering millions in back taxes, Hunter still owes a mountain of alimony and child support. He famously proved his paternity of daughter Navy Joan in court but promptly blocked her from using the Biden name and slashed his child support payments to peanuts. Talk about father of the year.

While Hunter’s former lover Lunden Roberts readies her tell-all for the week of the Democratic National Convention, she revealed Navy Joan still hasn’t met her absentee father or grandparents, who amusingly fancy themselves as the paragons of a devoutly Catholic family. Maybe instead of texting Hunter for advice, Biden should hit up someone who’s actually won an election – like Barack Obama. Until then, the Biden family circus rolls on, and Hunter keeps whispering in Joe’s ear.

Written by Staff Reports

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